The Necessary Pain

I thought the discernment part was the most difficult. I was wrong... Booking my own flight to leave for Manila is the most difficult part. The other day, i sat down to look at all the airlines and flight times for KL - Manila. I decided 1pm was the best, because i could have breakfast with my family and then leave. And suddenly, i had this sudden attack of homesickness, of sadness, of ache within my heart. I thought i had settled all my issues, but i guess not... I started crying in front of the computer. I had to stop, take a deep breath, close my eyes, and cry my heart out to Jesus... It really hurt, like a knife going through my centre.

It was like my wisdom teeth extraction all over again. Let me explain. I recently had my bilateral lower wisdom teeth extraction under local anaesthesia. (Yes, yes, i'm an anaesthetist, i know.. I should have just done it under general. But i've always believed that it's better to give than to receive!) The surgeon was really nice. She put topical, waited for it to act, then injected the local and waited for my jaws to go numb. Somehow though, i could still feel part of the pain. I guess there were some collateral nerve endings which were stubbornly 'holding out'! It was the most excruciating pain ever... And that was only the right side. After that was done, she asked me if i was able to go through with the left extraction. Through my tears, i sobbed out a 'yes'. I knew it had to be done for my own good (the gums were overgrowing the teeth and it was starting to decay)...

So back to this somewhat obscure analogy... This parting from my family is like a tooth extraction... It hurts like hell, but i know it's for my own good (and perhaps my family too). I have no idea how it will be a good thing, but i know with a certainty that God only wants the best for my family and i, so if leaving my family (temporarily) is His Will, then i will obey. Perhaps this is what St John of the Cross meant by 'the pain of the Night is necessary'... God loves us so much that He's desparately waiting to come in and fill our souls, but that can only happen if we give Him space to enter. So maybe, just maybe, the pain of separation from my family will create space for God's love to enter my heart and soul. And then from there, His abundant love will overflow from me to other people (including my family). Perhaps, like the Host which is taken, blessed, broken, and given for all, i must go through that process too, before i can truly belong to Jesus alone and be used for the greater glory of God.

Sr Aida fsp told me a story.. She quoted the priest who presided during her final profession. I paraphrase: During Mass, we offer up the Host to God. Without taking it away from us, He transforms it into the Body of Christ. Similarly, with a religious vocation, God never really takes us away from our families, He just transforms us and uses us for His specific purpose.
  

Honestly, i don't know how i will get through this one. It's a bittersweet symphony... When i think of the day i'm leaving, a part of me aches to leave my family even for a little while; but a part of me is happy that i will be joining my other family.. Well, 'just enough grace for the day' as Sr Anne Plathara would say to me... I'm sure by the time i reach that bridge, i will have accumulated enough grace to face this with maturity. God hasn't let me down thus far, so i don't see why He should do so this time... My faithful God..

Dear God,

May my heart be broken on behalf of my family.. May they be joyful and happy as i leave to start my life as Yours. I love them so much, i want to take the heartache and pain on myself rather than have them go through that ache.. Guide me Lord and be with me.. I need You more than i know...

Mother Mary,

Intercede for my family and may they be as strong and courageous as you are...