If you happen to read this, i'm currently attempting to blog on the official Daughters of St Paul prenoviciate website. It's a nice little webpage linked to the main phillipines FSP site, looks nicer than mine! :p Anyway, you can check it out here if you are so inclined http://comensee.paulines.ph/
Miss everyone at home btw! FYI, am actually only allowed online once a month so the only way i'm connected is through this blog...
I write this the night before i fly to Manila to enter the pre-noviciate formation for the Daughters of St Paul.. Well, technically, it's really early in the morning, but i don't feel like sleeping yet.. Too jittery.. It's been an amazing journey so far... No boring moments when Jesus is your boyfriend! Haha!
From the day i resigned (28th May) till today (16th June) i have eaten enough meals to feed a small nation.. Every single day there was a lunch or a dinner with my friends and family. I made a quick pitstop in Penang to visit my grandaunt and the Penang relatives. I met my friends from Ampang Hospital, Klang Hospital, ICU, OT, family friends... I treasure every single moment with everyone.. I think, somehow, knowing that i will not see them for a very very long time makes me appreciate and love them even more...
I'm currently stressing about whether my mother and sister will be alright after i leave. I tell myself that God will look after their needs where i am unable to. Unfortunately, i'm weak.. I find it so difficult to trust that all will be well... Perhaps it's because i prayed that God will give me all their distress and sadness.. May that sword pierce my heart, not their's..
I realise i'm rambling somewhat, but it's also 2am in the morning. Mea culpa.. Two stories to share:
The first is the toilet story.. You'd be amazed the number of people who have informed me that i will have to clean the toilets! That's ok.. I was already prepared to do all kinds of stuff.. I know the road to Him is not easy, and i suppose toilets WILL figure into that equation as well! I made up a little rhyme: Supercalifragalisticespialidociuos I know the toilets might be quite atrocious But i will glady scrub n' scrub and clean n' clean the loo If that's what it takes for me to fully give my life to You..
The second is the peso story - i was planning to change my ringgit to pesos. That morning, i went for mass with Bridget, my little adik from Sabah, and she commented that "these sisters never need to bring any money with them cos people keep paying for them! So when you become a sister, don't need to stress cos God will provide everything for you" Wise words from an 18-year old! But her late cousin is a Daughter of St Paul, so she has an unfair advantage! :p Anyway, i was somewhat skeptical, until that night, when i was having dinner with my BEC group. One of the aunties came up to me and said "Here's a little something for you to use in Manila." Guess what? She gave me the EXACT amount of pesos that i was planning to change.. *speechless*
Thank You God for Your abundant blessings and love.. Please bless all my family and friends, and may they find comfort in You all their days. I enter the FSP on the feast of the Immaculate Heart of Mary.. Mother Mary, intercede for all my loved ones and teach me how to love Your Son more and more with each passing day.. Amen.
Or wear a hidden crown of thorns like Rose of Lima
To heal the sick and raise the dead.
When you hung upon the Cross looking at me,
You didn't die so I would try to be somebody else,
You died so I could be the saint that is just me.
I wanted to be poor and free like Francis,
To carve my long hair like lovely Clare,
To be faithful like Mother Teresa in the darkness
Lord, won't you make me just like her.
I tried to kneel for hours in the chapel corner,
To persevere like Paul with all my sleepless nights.
To stay awake and trim my lamp with ten wise virgins
To really give the devil a good fight.
When you hung upon the Cross looking at me,
You didn't die so I would try to be somebody else,
You died so I could be the saint that is just me.
Just me, You died just for me.
Just me, just me, You died just for me
You saw that I was perfectly imperfect.
Oh happy fault the sin of Adam's pride.
That's the reason You became man and
Bore the new Eve from Your wounded side
If it weren't for my sins and wounds and weakness
Then you wouldn't have married me upon the cross
Why do I fear being seen naked and broken
That's why you came 'cos I need you that much
When you hung upon the Cross looking at me,
You didn't die so I would try to be somebody else,
You died so I could be the saint that is just me.
(Credit to Audrey Ansibin for pointing out this lovely song to me!)
This is my theme song for this Lent... I thought i'd type it out cos i can't find it ANYWHERE on the internet. Perhaps i didn't google hard enough... Anyway, i apologise if there are any typos.. Correct me if you hear otherwise! It's good to want to strive for holiness like this saint and that saint. But at the end of the day, i think what would make God happy is for us to be saints in our own little way wherever we are and whatever we do. Sometimes, the smallest, most insignifcant thing to you (like a smile, or a kind word, or taking time to explain the patient's critical condition to the family although you feel really exhausted) can mean the world to somebody. If we're blessed enough, God will allow us to see the effects of our offering. But even if He doesn't, rest assured, all those sacrifices and offerings aren't wasted!God is good at recycling.. Nothing is ever wasted for the Kingdom of Heaven! :)
I used to wonder why the whole Adam and Eve fiasco happened. After all, God is so great, why did He allow all this Original Sin to happen? And explaining it to me as "Well, humans have free will" blah blah blah just does not cut it for me.. Then it occurred to me one day (or perhaps, God's grace) that perhaps, all this Paradise Lost business was necessary... It's like a parent-child relationship really. My parents can tell me all the time that they love me, but i can just nod my head and say 'uh-huh'. But let's say i did something REALLY REALLY bad. I know i'm in trouble and my parents are going to KILL me for doing it... So gingerly i go to them and 'fess up.. But instead of being grounded for the rest of my life, they hug me and say, it's ok Mel. Gosh, the joy and the happiness i'd feel! Back to the Adam issue. If he hadn't done wrong, then we'd never have known how much God loves us. Loves us enough to sacrifice His own Beloved Son... How can I NOT love God for it... I love Him all the more... I'm not too sure if this is what is meant by felix culpa, but that's how i rationalise it...
To quote Julian of Norwich (which was quoted from the book i've JUST finished reading - 'Deep Calls to Deep')
"For though we through the grace of God can know fully about all other
matters, and think about them - yes, even the very works of God himself -
yet of God himself can no man think. Therefore i will leave on one side
everything i can think, and choose for my love that thing which i
cannot think! Why? Because by loving he can be caught and held, but by
thinking never."
I had to read the paragraph 5 times before i caught the meaning, and even then, i probably haven't grasped the full meaning of it... I think it means, the only way i can grasp God and all He is, is by loving Him.. Cos when we love someone, that love will flow back one way or another, and when you can love God, who is the epitome of LOVE, then just imagine the backflow which will come our way! There's no point trying to rationalise and figure out the why and who and what of God... He's inconceivable... So the trick is to just love Him! =) Or to put it in my mother's words "Your's not to ask the reason why, your's to do and die". QED.
Dear God,
Help me to love You like Mother Mary does. May i desire what You desire for me, for i know when my will is in line with the Will of the Holy Spirit within me, then i will truly be content.
